There are parts of the adoption journey that people may not blog about or take pictures of... the grieving. The topic was discussed at our adoption classes, I've also read about it, and feel that we were prepared for the worst. While this adoption has been amazing and miraculous, it is not without loss, and with loss comes sadness. I am essentially Kalvis' 4th mother. He has had a birth mother, a foster mother up until 3 months of age, a second foster mother up until 9 months, and now me. It is not surprising that he wants me to hold him the majority of his waking hours. It is not surprising to me that he cries when I leave the room. While exhausting, I don't mind it at all. I am thrilled that he looks to me as his mother. I am sad, that I see his fears that I may not return once I leave the room. I've heard the stories of other adoptive families, but until you witness the sadness in your child's eyes, you don't truly comprehend it. His trust is lost. So we build his trust back in us. Each day, each moment spent with our son we try to prove to him that we are here, and we will continue to be here for him for the rest of our lives.
Each day has in fact gotten better. In the beginning, he would wake in tears, searching for his foster mother. He would come to us for the comfort he needed, but than refuse it, and cry inconsolably. Slowly he'd accept us, and come to us, allowing us to hold him and calm him. He cries giant tears that stream down his face. They are the biggest tears I've ever seen on a baby. They break my heart.
He does laugh and smile. Maybe not as much as he did, or soon will again, but he does and when those dimples appear they warm my heart. Today he laughed and smiled significantly more. Imants and I both commented about our time with him, and how his happy laughter lasted longer than it has since we returned home. He is blossoming. I know it will be on his terms and in his own perfect time. I am not scared that it won't happen. I saw it in Korea. I see it in the photographs from his foster mother. He's quietly observing, learning and rebuilding his trust. We can't rush him. We can only love unconditionally and with great patience.
I know why the adoption process is long and hard, filled with so many emotions and so much struggle. It was preparing us for this time with our son. We've learned that GREAT things come with great patience and struggle. We've learned that everything we've been through is worth it times 10. We've learned that these while these days can be tough, they will soon be a distant memory. The struggle is a drop in the bucket compared the the wonderful things that lie ahead for our family. The dishes might not get done, and maybe I won't take a shower (again) today, but I'll sit and hold my boy and remind him every chance I get, that we are here to stay, because we are his forever family.
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