Monday, November 9, 2009

FOREVER A FAMILY

There are parts of the adoption journey that people may not blog about or take pictures of... the grieving. The topic was discussed at our adoption classes, I've also read about it, and feel that we were prepared for the worst. While this adoption has been amazing and miraculous, it is not without loss, and with loss comes sadness. I am essentially Kalvis' 4th mother. He has had a birth mother, a foster mother up until 3 months of age, a second foster mother up until 9 months, and now me. It is not surprising that he wants me to hold him the majority of his waking hours. It is not surprising to me that he cries when I leave the room. While exhausting, I don't mind it at all. I am thrilled that he looks to me as his mother. I am sad, that I see his fears that I may not return once I leave the room. I've heard the stories of other adoptive families, but until you witness the sadness in your child's eyes, you don't truly comprehend it. His trust is lost. So we build his trust back in us. Each day, each moment spent with our son we try to prove to him that we are here, and we will continue to be here for him for the rest of our lives.
Each day has in fact gotten better. In the beginning, he would wake in tears, searching for his foster mother. He would come to us for the comfort he needed, but than refuse it, and cry inconsolably. Slowly he'd accept us, and come to us, allowing us to hold him and calm him. He cries giant tears that stream down his face. They are the biggest tears I've ever seen on a baby. They break my heart.
He does laugh and smile. Maybe not as much as he did, or soon will again, but he does and when those dimples appear they warm my heart. Today he laughed and smiled significantly more. Imants and I both commented about our time with him, and how his happy laughter lasted longer than it has since we returned home. He is blossoming. I know it will be on his terms and in his own perfect time. I am not scared that it won't happen. I saw it in Korea. I see it in the photographs from his foster mother. He's quietly observing, learning and rebuilding his trust. We can't rush him. We can only love unconditionally and with great patience.
I know why the adoption process is long and hard, filled with so many emotions and so much struggle. It was preparing us for this time with our son. We've learned that GREAT things come with great patience and struggle. We've learned that everything we've been through is worth it times 10. We've learned that these while these days can be tough, they will soon be a distant memory. The struggle is a drop in the bucket compared the the wonderful things that lie ahead for our family. The dishes might not get done, and maybe I won't take a shower (again) today, but I'll sit and hold my boy and remind him every chance I get, that we are here to stay, because we are his forever family.

12 comments:

dulongfamily said...

Beautiful sentiments. May every day be better than the last for all of you.

Hilary said...

Wow Marcie, that was a beautiful post. Kalvis is the luckiest boy to have found such a wonderful forever family.

Slytherpuff said...

I hadn't even thought about the grief that Kalvis must be going through. He is a lucky guy to have you and Imants as his parents.

Anonymous said...

Such a thoughtful, beautiful post for Kalvis to read one day. It must be hard to see your boy cry. I'm so happy he is finally home at last! You are doing such an amazing job.
Janel

Anonymous said...

Sveiki Marcie and Imants,
Livija and Kalvis,
I think of you often and have been waiting for the blog postings.
How Livija been coping with Kalvis unhappiness? I'm sure she must be picking up on it as well. Time, patience and love in over abundance!
I hope you all grow together with every breath of every day!
Love, Ilze in Riga

Frannie said...

Just like the confusing and heart-wrenching path that you traveled for so many years, your son will make his final journey home to you...just like you found yours to him. Thank you for sharing this, Marcie. I love you guys so much! Sorry for being cheesy but I'm balling! xoxo

Rachel said...

So, so true. We too learned about grieving and expected it, but when Matthew came home and cried for his Omma, I thought my heart was going to break for him. So glad you shared this - I can totally relate to your feelings and am going through the same process.

The Woodgetts said...

What an amazing post. Kalvis will appreciate reading this some day. Hugs to you all.

Susan said...

Marcie, truly beautiful post! You have already done so much good for Kalvis, but just taking the time to understand what he is going through and to know what he needs most now - your love and trust. No doubt that you and Imants will bring back the smiles, the trust and the joy in his heart!

Jill said...

Hang in there. Our daughter Lucy was adopted at the age of 16 months. The first 3 days she SCREAMED like there was no tomorrow. Is she wasn't sleeping (out of pure exhaustion) she was screaming. After 3 days she became quiet..more complacent. I thought this was good. She was quiet for a few months. Looking back now, I see she was shutting down. I had read all the attacthment stuff, but we were in serious survival mode, so it didn't click with me. Today she is a sweet, loving 3 yr old, who although has "some" attatchment issues, is doing AWESOME! We wouldn't trade her for the world! I will be thinking and praying for you guys. Let me know if you need anything.

Anonymous said...

Wonderfully couched, Marcie! You put tears in my eyes. May Kalvis soon learn to trust that you are his forever family and that the warmth of your hearts will always be there for him. You are all lucky to have found each other, and you, Marcie, are an amazing person. Thank you for this beautiful post!

BarleyTea

BARRY/AMY said...

Reading your story, crying and relating to everything you are posting. My son had a very hard time and even though you try to prepare, nothing prepares you for what they are going through. Thank you for the post. Many happy thoughts to your family as his trust in you continues to grow each and every day.